Brought to you by the letters B and S

As a working member of the retail community, I have come to notice the staggering lack of knowledge that customers possess in how to deal with people that work in retail. I feel it is my duty to inform the masses of the proper way to handle these select individuals, so that customers might full enjoy their shopping experience, and not have a boot shoved up their ass. Thus begins my multi-part series...

How to Deal with People in Retail...You're Guide to not Acting Like a Schmuck.

Lesson #1. How to talk to a person that works in retail.

This might seem somewhat self explanatory, but when talking with a retail worker do not state the obvious. Despite our career choice, assume for the moment that we are not, in fact, morons. Let me give you an example...

I happen to stand next to the exit door of a grocery store for the better part of the day. And as you may have noticed, it's a bleak Midwestern winter. Should you see me standing at my register next to the open door, as winter's foul breath belches its way into my existence, please feel free not to comment on how bitch ass cold it is. I can't tell you how many god damn times a day I get, "Wow it's really cold here. You must be freezing. Why is it so cold by this door?" And as the customer makes this herculean leap of logic from winter outside plus open door equals fucking cold inside, they put on their winter coats, shivering like they are trying to stave off the first signs of hypothermia.

I, however, am in a t-shirt, furiously flinging their groceries trying to keep my blood from freezing solid.

I could list all of the ridiculous things that I hear on a daily basis (like "Do you care bulk Metamucil?") , but I just don't have that kind of time. As well as have tried to block out the majority of it from my memory banks. That being said, here are a few choice phrases that if I ever here again might cause me to chew my own face off.

"Oh it didn't scan, must be free!"

When a customer calls to find out our hours on a holiday, "Oh you're open that late huh? That's great! I mean that's great for me."

Anyone who uses the french pronunciation for croissant.

Telling me that the Japanese manufacturer of the condoms you just bought must have a very different definition of large.

I hope you have enjoyed our first lesson. Please join me next time for part two of our series, "Things not carried by a grocery store, ever."

See you then!